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Most of the couples I work with are referred by clinicians who find the man to be "too resistant" for therapy to continue. Typically, when the guys come in, they're either defensively resentful, angry, or just emotionally shut down. Often they start right off by proclaiming that they're frustrated as hell with therapy. As we talk, it becomes clear that, initially, they practiced the communication techniques they were taught and took to heart the insights they learned about relationships and family of origin. Yet, for reasons they can't explain, they couldn't bring themselves to make the long-term effort to use their new skills or apply their consulting-room insights on a routine basis at home. Of course, this failure to follow through makes their wives even more disappointed in them: "It was one thing when I thought he couldn't do it; now I know he just won't!" noted one angry spouse.
Do Men Love Differently Than Women?
Article Source: AlterNet.org- Enjoy this article? Help vote it up the 'Vine.
- Public Discussion (8)
In couples therapy, women and men often have very different ideas about what it means to feel and show "love."
- 1 vote
#1 - Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:22 AM EDTThis doesn't surprise me.
Men and women are different in a lot of ways, so the idea that they love differently makes sense. From a small age, boys are told not to cry if they fall down and scrape their knee... they are put in an environment of learning that favors girls (yes... a classroom environment favors girls.. but that is another thread) and so over time, they shut down andbecome that 'emotionally unavailable' person their wives dislike. Now that is a general statement, and I realize I am stereotyping.... so in general this is what happens.
The key is to figure out their language of love and appreciate that.
- 1 vote
Comment 2 deleted for being off topic. This seed is not about politicians so don't bring them here.
- 1 vote
#3 - Wed Jun 23, 2010 5:34 PM EDTWomen are known for letting their emotions out for all to see. Men are known for keeping their emotions bottled up. Society has taught men to be the strong, brave ones when facing fears. Sometimes I think that if women could learn to maintain some control over their emotions and if men could learn to show theirs more, maybe, just maybe, communications between the two genders would be more proactive.
- 1 vote
#4 - Thu Jun 24, 2010 10:21 AM EDTDespite careful observation and study of the opposite gender I still at times cannot tell when the time is right for me to share emotions, or if sharing those emotions might be misunderstood by the female. As we men do not often share our emotions, I feel it is much harder for a female to properly interpret what she does not often see....
While it might be fruitful for females to try to not be too emotional in public, in private with their spouse or significant other, I think it is not only OK, but actually better if the female is "fully open" about how she is feeling. It is not at all normal for females to be containing their emotions too much, and I think it puts an undue strain on you females to be trying to be something other than what you are. Myself, I have figured out that - for example - a female can by crying and still be fully capable of communicating, while as a man - if I were in a similar situation - I could not communicate well at all while crying. What we men need from you females is "cues" as to when you are "just venting" and when you are expecting us to actually communicate with you about what you are talking about.
I would encourage you to "train" your spouse/significant other to know you well enough to at least ask how that person might be supportive of you.
- 1 vote
Women are known for letting their emotions out for all to see. Men are known for keeping their emotions bottled up. Society has taught men to be the strong, brave ones when facing fears. Sometimes I think that if women could learn to maintain some control over their emotions and if men could learn to show theirs more, maybe, just maybe, communications between the two genders would be more proactive.
Yes it is cultural and taught. You also have to consider females that are 'taught' to be controlled and in control. You get the same results. Closed off individuals that fight off their instincts to remain in control--no matter what. They too, are wanting to protect their families and loved ones. Really no different.
It is not at all normal for females to be containing their emotions too much, and I think it puts an undue strain on you females to be trying to be something other than what you are.
It is also not normal for you males to be containing your emotions too much, and I think it puts an undue strain on you males to be trying to be something other that what you are.
A relationship is exactly that. You need to communicate and figure out what you each expect of yourselves, and each other. The emotional needs are pretty darned important. If you chose someone that is tight, or if you chose someone that is open--that is your cross to bear in order to make the relationship work. IMHO, I don't think it makes a rat's ass' difference what gender a spouse is. I've seen it both ways. But then again, the article is talking in generalities and in the animal kingdom. I believe that humans are capable of a leetle more than sheer survival mode.
- 2 votes
Typically, when the guys come in, they're either defensively resentful, angry, or just emotionally shut down.
I will first offer that "when the guys come in" I've understood it is only after the "females" have been in there for awhile. So the counselor/therapist has already become familiar with the females stated circumstance, and I feel there is at the point an implicit bias as the therapist is pre-primed to start trying to "fit the guy" into some pathological category and thus the guy is starting out way, way behind the curve. Going into a situation with the attitude that you've already been blamed, and are already "guilty" is NOT conducive to a therapeutic or good outcome. So guys can be understandably not enthusiastic about being invited to attend a kangaroo court.....
Now, when in therapy, often with a female therapist, the guys are again at a huge communications advantage, as females are much better able to access and express their emotional status quickly, and perceive emotional status at a glance, etc., while guys are at best way behind even less adept females in the communications category. So again, the guys get their communications butts kicked, and the gals control the situation to get the results they "want", as opposed to the results that are in the best interests of those in therapy.
Getting into counseling and/or therapy is by itself an admission that something is needing help in the relationship. I can't see any reason not to go get an intermediary involved when making important life decision that involve a male/female couple, as the possibility of a mis-communication or a bad outcome that is not warranted by the actual facts is just too high a price to pay when love is on the line.
I advocate that - if possible - couples enter counseling/therapy at the same time or very close to one another, and plan on an extended session so things can get worked out.
#5 - Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:20 AM EDTI went to a female counselor for awhile while married to my ex-husband. When trying to bring him into the counseling sessions, he maintained that since the counselor was a "female", it would not be to his advantage in anyway because he figured the female counselor could only really relate to the female patient. So I found a male counselor and you know what? It made absolutely no difference. He still felt like he was the one getting picked on and got up and left the session early indicating his dislike of the whole situation. He never went with me again.
if possible - couples enter counseling/therapy at the same time or very close to one another, and plan on an extended session so things can get worked out.
I think this is a good idea and would hope that neither spouse feel like they are at a disadvantage because of the gender of the counselor.
- 3 votes
#6 - Tue Jun 29, 2010 10:26 AM EDTYou're in Easy Mode. If you prefer, you can use XHTML Mode instead. |
